


Squirrel Chaser

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-03
Updated: 2012-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:23:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3506570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fucked up idea thrown to me because people use me as the fandom dumpster, Nathan bludgeons squirrels to death with his enormous wang.<br/>Warning: Squirrel murder</p>
            </blockquote>





	Squirrel Chaser

“Nathan!” Rose called sweetly up the stairs. “We have nothing to eat! You know what that means!”  
“Aw mom!” Nathan did indeed know what that meant, she needed his dick again. With a resigned sigh, he took off his pants and walked downstairs. Peering out the window, he saw she’d already thrown corn around the yard to draw the little fuckers in. Damn bushy tailed rats, that was all they were. Why couldn’t they eat chicken like a _normal_ family? Why did the chicken cross the road? It was running away from Nathan’s dick, heh. But really, squirrels sucked.

Rose patted him encouragingly on the shoulder. “Try to get a few extra today, we’re having company later!” She turned to face the other room. “Oscar, aren’t you going to say something encouraging?”  
“Woman, can’t you see I’m trying to read the paper! Uh... Knock ‘em dead, son.”  
Nathan picked up his dick so it wouldn’t drag in the grass (a truly annoying sensation) and walked out into the yard.

The furry little bastards all sat up and looked at him, he hated it when they did that. It was like they were judging him or something. Well, the sooner he killed enough the sooner he could go back to hiding in his room and listening to music.  
Twirling his dick like a lasso, he aimed and struck.  
*Thwack* The squirrel dropped dead.

The little fuckers stared for a second, then started scampering madly all over the yard. The first one was always easy, the rest were hard.  
Still twirling his dick, Nathan gave chase. *Thwack*  
OW FUCK GRAZED A MOTHERFUCKING TREE! *Thwack*  
That was three, she wanted extras so he needed at least two more.

Most of the squirrels had fled the yard, free corn or no free corn, but a few had other ideas.  
One brave little bastard attacked, grabbing his dick in tiny rodent fury and holding on with its needle claws. Nathan screamed and spun, slamming his dick against the fence squirrel-first. *Thwock*  
Damnit, that one left marks! He fucking hated squirrels!

One more... He struck as one made the mistake of darting past him, killing it. *Thwack*  
There, he was done! Throwing his dick casually over his left shoulder, Nathan gathered up the dead squirrels by the tails and went back inside. He handed then to his mother like a bouquet of flowers. Dead, mammalian, upside-down flowers. That he’d killed with his dick.  
She hurried to the kitchen with a smile, and he headed back upstairs.

That night Reverend Billy Bob was treated to Rose’s “Let’s Pretend it isn’t Squirrel” stew. He seemed to enjoy it, but he was pretty drunk so it was hard to be sure.  
Nathan ate in silence, he didn’t like squirrel but there was little else to eat, and he was still growing. Why couldn’t they eat the corn, instead of using it for squirrel bait?  
Oscar ate sadly, lamenting that his dick was inadequate to provide nourishment for his family. And that his only son was a squirrel chaser.


End file.
